the new nude dope olympics

so, the games have come and gone yet again. the spectacle of the host nation thumping its chest, the daily tally of metal trinkets in a proxy worldwide war.

but after all the hoopla and kaboom, who on the planet was really watching, save for highlights and key events?

truth is, humanity’s supreme athletic meet has become boring and is long overdue for an overhaul. that is why i advocate that london in 2012 be the first ever all-nude, go-ahead-dope-yourself-into-a-coma olympics…

think of it. the unabashed nudity and hence unrestricted mobility of the original greek games coupled with the unending, scientifically-enhanced promise of the future: drugs, genetics, cyborgian implants – why not?

three-story-tall leviathans wrestling like monster trucks, plunging to the ground with stadium-shaking aftershocks, their huge penises flailing like maces in a medieval battle.

shotputs and pole vaulters greeting startled passengers in jetliners overhead. swimmers so powerful spectators must be pulled from their tsunami wakes and whose day job is capturing tuna with their bare hands.

and, of course, the beauty and the previously-denied full use of the naked body.

how much more would the assembled crowd ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’ if the spinning hoops and twirling batons of the floor routines were augmented with ping pong balls proudly and shamelessly shot high into the stands and emblazoned with the smiling, elfin gymnast’s national flag. you see, the possibilities are endless.

and i know i’d be glued to my tv set. wouldn’t you?


6 Responses to “the new nude dope olympics”

  1. Sister

    That’s it. That’s fucking it. I’m never coming back.

  2. BLZbob

    YEAH! (But I bet you will be back.)

    And, Bobo, who do I grease for a front row seat in London?

  3. 2008 Olympic Results

    2008 Olympic Results…

    The 2008 Olympic games from Beijing have started and I couldn’t be happier. I am a huge fan of the Olympics and will be watching as many Olympic events as I can…

  4. gene's wading pool

    I’m starting the petition right now (well, ok, not right now obviously because I’m wanking off this).
    But why wait for 2012?! Let’s start in 2010 in Vancouver. I’d pay top dollar to see naked ski jumpers with their frosted bits bobbing in a winter wind. Or monster hockey players who use their Sitka spruce arms to slap-rocket those erratics-size pucks into the top shelf of drift nets strung across the frozen Strait of Georgia. I’d love to see the moguls done on a steroid-jonesed glacier with snowboarders hovering like helicopters over crevasses the size of bobo’s crack. Oh the sweet, pharmaceutical poetry of it all! Let the real games begin!!!

  5. Vlad the Unstable

    These are all excellent ideas, but for balance I would like to see some more low-key activities added to the games. My suggestions are:

    Getting staples out of a noticeboard
    Potato peeling
    Watching the Olympics
    Mug tree

    I know the latter is an object, rather than an activity, but I still think it deserves to be in the Olympics.

  6. bobo

    interesting take, vlad.

    i especially like medals for watching the games, however difficult that may be to quantify.

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