inside the raelians

as a recent convert to the raelian church, i must say that for the first time in my life i’m actually enjoying religion.

don’t get me wrong.

as pulp science fiction elevated to a way of life goes, this stuff is right up there with the most sanity-taxing beliefs of the scientologists – bless their thetan souls – and as devoid of empirical proof as any other faith-based doctrine.

but, man, is my barbarian ever getting a workout…

you see, if you don’t know, raelism is really more about making contact with other raelians rather than with extraterrestrials, although i’m sure i’d be more than happy to also do an elohim if one ever comes along.

and all of this wanton pleasure – despite the huge disappointment of having to abandon the orgy we had planned in the holy land – has really done wonders for me after the trauma of the ‘frightmare’, which was far too vivid to have just been a dream. believe me, i know my abductions.

but i digress.

as pleased as i am to finally be getting closer to god, even this house of worship is not without its imperfections.

most importantly to me, there are far more males than females here. then there’s the matter of that ex-priest, now free to practice his sexuality in a way that doesn’t involve children in an orphanage, and who likes to compliment me on the sheen of my fur, etc. it’s really creepy.

what to do?

well, i’ve noticed that the french guy who dresses like flash gordon – and who was responsible for getting this party rolling in the first place – takes more than his fair share of what’s on offer, in numbers and in beauty.

if he can do it, why can’t i? and, maybe, at the same time, even take some of the most beguiling of our congregation with me.

and i figure the only way to get that done is to make the new, breakaway raelian church even more mad and even more fun than the old one.

my revelation, as it has come to me, is that our intergalactic intelligent designers – as opposed to the usual, run-of-the-mill aliens – really have no desire to revisit what they consider their greatest cosmic mistake.

in fact, we’re been pretty lucky that they haven’t chosen to come and correct the error. perhaps they sagely assume that we’re already taking care of it for ourselves.

what i sense is needed to get those elohim engines revving again, and in a positive way, is a radical step… some grand, massively obscene but entirely harmless extravaganza that makes the immortals perk up and say, ‘wow! that’s what i call mating! i’m in!’

i don’t yet know exactly what this event should be, but i’m working on it and i’ll get back to you.

and, for now, you’ll have to excuse me. i have to go and get inside some more raelians.

8 Responses to “inside the raelians”

  1. Dr. Luv

    I’m a believer.

  2. BLZbob

    I’m not your stepping stone.

  3. Outsider

    Last train to Clarksville.

  4. Sister

    Daydream believer.

  5. Zilch


  6. BLZbob

    Mr. Dobolina, Mr. Bob Dobolina…

  7. ganeshgonads

    i’ve got virtual wood. (hmmmm… sounds like a song)

  8. pejman

    i am a persian iranian and i can speek farsi

Comments are closed.