caution: sexual herbivores

they are among us each and every day. to some, they seem harmless. to themselves, especially so.

but we’ve all been victims of their menace at some time or another. i am, of course, referring to sexual herbivores. and it is now that this long-tolerated societal ill should be dealt with once and for all…

we know their kind.

the fellow with the paunch and obvious hair plugs staring longingly at the beauteous wench who bears him no ill but equally has not even noticed he is there. he has a line he has practiced in front of a mirror since puberty began and soon will summon an awkward effrontery and assault her with it.

and the sad flower that never bloomed but is sure to wilt shyly admiring the ample bulge of a young adonis poised across a darkened room. oh, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, she thinks, perhaps if she offered him anal.

and some of you, i know, have shown mercy on occasion, have submitted to their advances in some sort of egalitarian gesture of sexual kindness.

but i say to you that that road is folly. and only encourages a disease for which the only known cure is being rich.

and you realized your mistake almost immediately, didn’t you?

trying not to be revolted as your unwanted partner’s pent-up and perverse desires unleash a tsunami of haphazard, hapless sexual play.

oblivious to their indiscretions – and your embarrassment and immediate regret – they pound away like a machine gun with but one round in the magazine, hoover like a vacuum powered by a geriatric hamster, or would be incapable of finding a clitoris even if it reared up to a hundred times its size and drummed a paradiddle on their foreheads.

there is nothing benign in this – we must act and we must act now. the danger is everywhere.

and although it will be difficult to police, we must and we will usher in a new era of near zero tolerance toward unwanted sexual advances, no matter how seemingly pathetic and ineffectual.

we need vigilance, we need vigilantes, and, yes, you will need badges.

honest, hard-working souls to go forth into the clubs, cafes and the other sweet meeting places of the night to seek out these vile creatures and drive a metaphorical stake through their hearts.

the liberal in me reluctantly advocates a caution at first – i suppose even the wickedest among us should be given a chance to reform. then, on second offense, a substantial but still humane fine.

but that’s it, it, it.

three strikes and they’re out, i say. lock them up and throw away the key, at least until menopause or complete erectile dysfunction – maybe longer. these herbivores must never be allowed to forage again.

and in prison, at least, we can be assured they will receive the therapy they need.


6 Responses to “caution: sexual herbivores”

  1. BLZbob

    Wait a second, Bobo, on occasion that’s been me that you’re talking about. Oh well, I guess everyone loves a good witch hunt…

  2. bobo

    and please, please, please!

    as difficult as it can be to recall the horrors of abuse, we need your testimony! tell us your story!

    help us to raise awareness and further a just cause. if we all pitch in, incarceration can become the growth industry that pulls us out of the depression.

  3. bone-idol

    “and some of you, i know, have shown mercy on occasion, have submitted to their advances in some sort of egalitarian gesture of sexual kindness” – bobo eats bushmeat?

  4. bobo

    yes, but i prefer it shaved.

  5. MeetHerve

    Qui es muy macho? Orlando Bloom o Art Carne?
    Si si si. Carne es mas mejor. Si, que fantasia.
    Que rico.

  6. Spartacus

    First prize is a new Cadillac. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired…

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